Does anybody walk anymore?

So your coming home from work. You had to use the bathroom at Grand Central Station but you figure “I can hold it” You blast your ipod and in 20 minutes you have reached your stop and now you have to walk home. For some reason, that urine you have been holding in is starting to get more painful. With every step it is starting to hurt more and more. You may even have a little surprise along with urine at this point and now life is no longer fair. This unrelenting pain is so insane, that now you have to stop walking and stand hunched over as people pass by staring at you. It looks as though your building is getting farther and farther away even though you walk closer towards it. “Ok I can do this”. U negotiate a weird noise on the inside of your stomach and buy yourself 5 more minutes of time. But your insides have let you know…5 more minutes and its time to release some stress in the form of the team of “yellow and brown” So you reach your building. Its a cool 55 degrees but your sweating. You go to open the door to your building and quickly reach for your keys that have to be on the bottom of your bag. Door opens, and your ready to run through. Then you make the biggest mistake of your life.

For some reason, you turn your head. Why in the world did you turn your head. Your having an out of body experience and if you could you would smack yourself right now. You turn your head, and someone who lives in your building is walking towards the door. Now you HAVE to hold the door for them. They are basically whistling as they walk and then they notice your act of kindness. Their face lights up as they realize they have been taking their sweet time and they jog to the door. At this point you want to “lose yourself” in your pants. You get to the elevators and now you have to small talk with this person because you live in the same building. You stare at where the elevators are. 4, 3, 2, Bingo!. Then you realize that you have just taken the elevator with Satan. This human, who you held the door for lives on….the 2nd floor. You live on the 7th. This mid 30′s dude couldn’t take the stairs? If you live on the 2nd floor, have no groceries, no kids, and are riding the elevator with someone else… it should be a law that you should take the stairs. If not, you deserve to leave that elevator covered in “yellow and brown”.

She'll screw you, except not in the good way.

Sallie Mae, the lady who is married to your favorite Uncle Sam is also your favorite girlfriend. (For sake of awkward incest reasons lets pretend she’s really not) Alright, so moving on can you believe this chick Sallie? First of all if any of you know about education and how they are expensive as sh!t then you know about Ms. Mae. Worst part about this chick is that she doesn’t even bother getting wind and dined. She’s just a straight up gold digger. Every month she’s there asking for money.

You think she’ll give you a quickie or something right? Nope not a chance. Even worse is that she charges you ridiculous amounts of interests just because she lent you like what 20K the night before? What a golddigger. So let’s get this straight. She doesn’t give it up, she always asks for money, she charges you interest and on top of that she’s married to Uncle Sam who also gives you a stiff one every month. Sometimes life isn’t fair….. Is Max Power’s gonna have to slap a b!tch? Yes….. Yes he certainly as hell is.

What a view!

As the team over at sweetcrack put it. Farewell to Yankee Stadium. Except we do things a bit differently in the world of LMAOWTF. Seriously, if anybody even saw the tremendous goodbye they had for the stadium it should really make you LOL. First of all Babe Ruth made it out to the stadium that night? Really? You don’t say, some paid actor to hold a bat in center field as 50+ thousand fans cried. Grow up Children. The Bodega in the Bronx is moving across the street.

Check out my boy Bill O’Reilly losing his god damn mind over a teleprompter gone wrong. I… I don’t know what that says?? I CANT READDD IT. FCK IT Bill. We’ll do it liiveee.

Next time you’re second guessing yourself about doing something? Just think what Bill does. Bill Does it live, then progressively begins to curse out inanimate objects such as teleprompters. So if you dont have an inanimate object near you to curse at. Just curse at whatever because if Bill O’Reilly can do it live, you sure as hell can to.

Mr. Met, crying because he hates me.

The summer heat is done, the leaves are changing colors, the kiddies are back in school, and it’s time to whip out the sweaters and start the countdown to halloween. For most people, this is just an ordinary time of year. For most people, the countdown to Halloween is exciting enough. However… there is a large sum of people who wake up every morning and know that their slacks, shirt and tie combination will not be their final outfit of the day. Most humans wake up and turn on the today show to see Al Roker tell you what’s going on in “your neck of the woods”. Then there is that part of the population who wakes up and NEEDS to see Stuart Scott give vital information that is needed before leaving the front door. The kids can be late for school, this information must be extracted. Weather? pfffft! Rain, sleet, or shine… the only countdown that matters is the one that is taking place tonight. At a certain time we gather at either the stadium we are told to go to, or we flock to our boys’ house because there is a game to live and die with. September is here. The start of the NFL season, the climax of the MLB season, and if all else fails… the NBA is right around the corner.

The beauty of sports is how much all of life’s problems are ( for a short period of time ) put on hold. Female troubles? Let’s Go Mets! Need a new job? Let’s Go Mets! Big presentation? Let’s Go Mets! Time and time again, year after year, month after month, day after day, play after play, You feel the twists and turns of players who are either going to be labeled as horribly overpaid, or your latest mancrush. Girlfriend doesn’t understand why you paid 250.00 for that jersey JUST because it’s authentic? Her opinion is irrelevant… some weeks your gonna get a winning streak by your baseball team capped off with a late field goal with 4 seconds left on Sunday. Other weeks your going to be a New York Met and New York Jet Fan. The most important thing is whether you have the money to go to the stadium and tell the opposing team’s fans that their mascot is ridiculous ( philly fanatic? grow up) or you just stay at home, order some food and yell at your television sets… go through the ups and downs with your boys. There is nothing like it… you might even celebrate a championship one day.

R.Stone

To Pay Some More Taxes!

I know you’ve heard horrible stories about everyones Uncle. Uncle Tom who keeps eying your sister at family functions. Or Uncle Bob who steals money out of the collection plate every Sunday. Or even the horrible Uncle Ralph who’s doing three life sentences for a 25 person killing spree. Sadly none of those crimes come close to that of Uncle Sam.

First off, this guy is everybody’s Uncle. So in fact he had sex with someone in your family to make himself your Uncle in the first place. That’s already something rude on his part. Second of all you never get to see him. When was the last time you guys saw your Uncle Sam? I haven’t seen him ever. But he knows I exist, he sees me every time.

Now for the most damaging part of our Uncle Sam. This guy, who by the way we’ve already established had sexual relations with people in our family and never has the decency to come see us. Every time you get paid he comes and takes money away from you. How messed up is that? Doesn’t matter what you buy, this mofo Uncle Sam is here to give it to you at every turn. Wanna buy a cheese burger? Sure they advertise it as a dollar. But it’s more than that because you gotta give Uncle Sam his eight freakin cents. What the hell does he do with all this money? He even puts up posters telling you that he wants you for something. What could he possibly want you for? He wants you to join the army, pay taxes and be his personal slave. The best part about Uncle Sam is that his relatives are in something we like to call the government. You ever tried to fight the government? Exactly, Uncle Sam can’t lose.

So the next time you think about how bad your uncle is, remember Uncle Sam is out there to get you….one way or another. Only one thing is worse than Uncle Sam, and that’s his wife Sallie Mae….but that’s for another post.

Awkward Situation #1: Avoided

The wonderful world of text messaging. You thought teenagers were the only ones who used it? Think Again. Let’s check out Paul’s mom. Who apparently is so scared of calling her sons only friend Kory (who ironically should be the one committing suicide for having that name) about his friends suicide. So what does Paul’s mom do? What everybody does now a day, just sends a simple text message. You save yourself so much trouble. You don’t have to hear this pansy cry on the other line as to why his best friend ended his life. He probably killed himself because his mother never spoke to him in person only texted him.

Let’s take a peek at other awkward situations we could avoid by just sending a text message.

Breaking Up With a Significant Other

Dread the day when you no longer want to be with him/her? It’s coming don’t you worry. But now with the beauty of a text message you forget that awful four-five hour conversation. BOOYAAA! Send one of these babies and you’re home free.

“Hey Baby……It’s over, so….. ttyl!”

Declaring War

Well we all know George Bush is probably as smart as a fourth grader. One who’s repeated it five times. You think he had that awkward phone call with Saddam? Let’s take a peak at Bush’s outbox.

“Saddam, yeahhhh about you and those weapons of mass destruction…..we’re gonna have to go ahead and attack you guys now”

“Oh BTW, totally blame you for 9/11. k see ya l8r”

Suicide*

The suicide note, what to write? Will everyone get it? I’m worried if I misspell anything… don’t want to seem like a loser…err too late huh? No more worries emo friend. Just send a mass text to all your friends about your departure from this earth! Best part about sending a mass suicide text is that you never have to answer! Worst part? If nobody actually answers that text.Hey well you made the right move to begin with.

*Disclaimer – I do not condone suicide for the simple reason that nothings better than being alive. If you ever feel like dying just wait it out. We’re all going to die eventually….well aside from me because I’ve got to write this blog forever.

One year ago today Michael Ray Gundy (which by the way is the greatest human to ever don the name Michael) completely owned the life out of poor Jenni Carlson. That’s what Jenni gets for writing negative things about one of Mike’s players. One of HIS athletes.

Lets just analyze this amazing speech by Mr. Gundy for a second….or more. First of all he’s got the paper in his hand as to let you know that if any point during his speech you want to get up you’re going to get a fist full of paper. Also may I add if you ever thought wearing a visor was gay. Well think again. Mike Gundy has manified (a real word) wearing visors. Just go outside and look at how many people wear visors now, it’s absurd.

One of the startling things about this is that it’s not supposed to be a speech at all. This is a press conference where usually news reporters ask questions and what not. Obviously they’ve never been to a Mike Gundy press conference. He does all the talking, you do all the quivering. Gundy now goes into a full out thrashing of Jenni. Questioning her abilities to have children for he in fact knows somebody who wrote that article couldn’t possibly have children. He’s so fuming mad that he can’t even stay at the podium for his verbal thrashing. He moves about the podium and even as he walks away from the microphone his voice gets increasingly loud. At certain points of the video you can literally feel the fear from the news reporters.

He starts his rampage on how Donavan is a good kid. How he’s respectful to everybody and there mother. Too bad Mike Gundy is completely disrespectful. Especially to Jenni Carlson who by the way was in the front row for her own verbal abuse. He even points right at her to let her know that he’s coming for that ass.

“That’s why I don’t read the newspaper, because it’s garbage. And the editor that let it come out is garbage”

Let that sentence sink in for a second. Because Gundy just screamed that into Jenni’s face. You’d think at this point she would leave the conference in complete embarrassment. Not at all, you can’t leave when Gundy is about to finish tearing you a new one.

“Are you kidding me, where are we at in society today? COME AFTER ME, I’M A MAN. I’M FORTY. I’M NOT A KID. WRITE SOMETHING ABOUT ME” (Notice in the right hand corner the poor lady standing next to Mike hugging herself in pure fear of her own life)

This is the most memorable quote from the speech. He indeed challenges the poor reporter to go write about him. Obviously it’s an unfair challenge because after all, look at what’s happening to her now when all she did was write about one of his players. If she were to write about Mike Gundy she would probably face imminent death.

Towards the end of the speech Mike gets so mad he starts to make up his own word. A hybrid between belittle and downgrading someone. Be-Downgrade. The “press conference” finishes and everybody claps for him. I assume Ms. Carlson gave him a standing ovation after her complete utter ownage. As we all go to youtube to see this clip on it’s one year anniversary. Everybody get your Oklahoma State Visors and open up a cold beer. Cheers to Mike Gundy who indeed be-downgraded the living crap out of Jenni Carlson for the rest of her journalistic career.