Filed under: Random | Tags: gimme yo money, he's had sex with your family, i want you, uncle sam
To Pay Some More Taxes!
I know you’ve heard horrible stories about everyones Uncle. Uncle Tom who keeps eying your sister at family functions. Or Uncle Bob who steals money out of the collection plate every Sunday. Or even the horrible Uncle Ralph who’s doing three life sentences for a 25 person killing spree. Sadly none of those crimes come close to that of Uncle Sam.
First off, this guy is everybody’s Uncle. So in fact he had sex with someone in your family to make himself your Uncle in the first place. That’s already something rude on his part. Second of all you never get to see him. When was the last time you guys saw your Uncle Sam? I haven’t seen him ever. But he knows I exist, he sees me every time.
Now for the most damaging part of our Uncle Sam. This guy, who by the way we’ve already established had sexual relations with people in our family and never has the decency to come see us. Every time you get paid he comes and takes money away from you. How messed up is that? Doesn’t matter what you buy, this mofo Uncle Sam is here to give it to you at every turn. Wanna buy a cheese burger? Sure they advertise it as a dollar. But it’s more than that because you gotta give Uncle Sam his eight freakin cents. What the hell does he do with all this money? He even puts up posters telling you that he wants you for something. What could he possibly want you for? He wants you to join the army, pay taxes and be his personal slave. The best part about Uncle Sam is that his relatives are in something we like to call the government. You ever tried to fight the government? Exactly, Uncle Sam can’t lose.
So the next time you think about how bad your uncle is, remember Uncle Sam is out there to get you….one way or another. Only one thing is worse than Uncle Sam, and that’s his wife Sallie Mae….but that’s for another post.
Filed under: Random | Tags: Add new tag, definitely dont kill yourself, dont call just text, e-owning, texting
Awkward Situation #1: Avoided
The wonderful world of text messaging. You thought teenagers were the only ones who used it? Think Again. Let’s check out Paul’s mom. Who apparently is so scared of calling her sons only friend Kory (who ironically should be the one committing suicide for having that name) about his friends suicide. So what does Paul’s mom do? What everybody does now a day, just sends a simple text message. You save yourself so much trouble. You don’t have to hear this pansy cry on the other line as to why his best friend ended his life. He probably killed himself because his mother never spoke to him in person only texted him.
Let’s take a peek at other awkward situations we could avoid by just sending a text message.
Breaking Up With a Significant Other
Dread the day when you no longer want to be with him/her? It’s coming don’t you worry. But now with the beauty of a text message you forget that awful four-five hour conversation. BOOYAAA! Send one of these babies and you’re home free.
“Hey Baby……It’s over, so….. ttyl!”
Declaring War
Well we all know George Bush is probably as smart as a fourth grader. One who’s repeated it five times. You think he had that awkward phone call with Saddam? Let’s take a peak at Bush’s outbox.
“Saddam, yeahhhh about you and those weapons of mass destruction…..we’re gonna have to go ahead and attack you guys now”
“Oh BTW, totally blame you for 9/11. k see ya l8r”
Suicide*
The suicide note, what to write? Will everyone get it? I’m worried if I misspell anything… don’t want to seem like a loser…err too late huh? No more worries emo friend. Just send a mass text to all your friends about your departure from this earth! Best part about sending a mass suicide text is that you never have to answer! Worst part? If nobody actually answers that text.Hey well you made the right move to begin with.
*Disclaimer – I do not condone suicide for the simple reason that nothings better than being alive. If you ever feel like dying just wait it out. We’re all going to die eventually….well aside from me because I’ve got to write this blog forever.
